Dr. Thool's Warning (He Tried But Stayed Too Long)
Whole Thing in a Nutshell: "May Your Liver Survive What Your Judgment Cannot"
Dr. Thool wrote this foreword after documenting Earth’s drinking disasters across sixty-three countries over the course of a long period (he’ll tell you in a minute how long).
The IRD sent him for standard observational research. Two years maximum. Clinical distance mandatory.
That’s not what happened.
He’s trying to sound measured in this. Clinical. Detached.
He’s not successful.
The cracks show immediately. “Professional distance proved... negotiable” appears in the second paragraph. It gets worse from there.
By the end he’s warning about Earth’s various ethanol choices (see: MANDATORY PRE-LANDING BRIEFING/EARTH’S LIQUID FUEL CHART in the book) which I did not know when I first came here and regretted immediately. That’s a different post though.
Still, Dr. Thool’s foreword beautifully proves what prolonged Earth exposure does to professionally trained IRD personnel.
You’ve been warned.
FOREWORD BY DR. VARN THOOL
Greetings to all travelers, curious observers, and anyone who has already said yes to a drink they don’t fully understand. I respect your bravery.
I am Dr. Varn Thool, the IRD’s former Planetary Recovery Specialist for Earth.
The mission brief was straightforward: monitor human drinking customs, collect data, all while maintaining professional distance. Professional distance proved... negotiable.
I was promised two years. I lasted seven.
I crossed continents, lost track of cities, and accumulated hangovers my physiology was never designed to process. I’ve been drunk in places that don’t appear on the IRD’s mapping system, two of them still refuse to be geolocated. I’ve raised glasses with tycoons and idealists, and once with a man who claimed to be working part-time as a prophet. Verification remains pending.
Humans are unmatched in their commitment to recreational harm, and I say this as someone who has seen Kryllians drink antimatter cocktails on purpose.
They’ve produced tens of thousands of alcoholic beverages and built entire industries around them. While other species drink for ritual celebrations or to survive hostile climates, humans drink for reasons that defy neat categorization. I documented a long list, including “It’s Tuesday” and “It should be the weekend.”
The pages ahead contain what survived my editing attempts: notes, warnings, observations, and the occasional redaction. Each chapter focuses on a different region because humans perfected different paths to the same hangover. Inside you’ll find survival guidance, cultural markers, and firsthand accounts from other visitors who believed they could handle tequila. They could not.
Before going on:
Everything you’ll read actually happened. I’ve altered a few names to protect careers. The embarrassing moments remain intact; those regrettably, are the most educational.
If you’re already hungover, skip straight to the relevant region. Time matters now.
When an unlabelled bottle appears with a declaration that it “can’t be bought in stores,” understand that they’re offering you something strong enough that commercial production would require lawyers.
Their species adapted to ethanol over thousands of years. Yours didn’t. Don’t pretend otherwise.
As for my retirement—absinthe, a diplomatic function, and a conga line with repercussions, still classified. I don’t discuss it. My therapist refuses to.
I wrote this so you won’t repeat my mistakes. Or at least, not all of them. Someone will probably record it either way.
Read the warnings. Drink water.
And if you find yourself facing rakı, tequila, or Everclear, remember this: I tried to warn you.
May your liver survive what your judgment cannot.
Dr. Varn Thool
Intergalactic Recovery Division
Planetary Recovery Specialist
(Retired. Mostly intact. Cat father now.)
I found Dr. Thool’s complete research files in a bar in Prague.
Physical notebooks. Just sitting there. On a table. Like someone forgot them after one too many Becherovkas.
Label on top: “IRD PERSONNEL ONLY - EARTH SURVIVAL PROTOCOLS.”
Well. I’m IRD personnel.
So obviously I read them. All of them. Right there. Four hours and several drinks later, the bartender helped me carry them out. (Thanks Matěj.)
Cultural hazard warnings that made me laugh until I realized they were deadly serious. A hangover scale with EIGHT LEVELS (Level 8 is when your molecules refuse orders and operate independently). Emergency phrases for when your technology gives up on you completely. Protocols that basically amount to "good luck, you're on your own."
And case files. SO many case files.
This wasn’t meant for civilians. Dr. Thool wrote this for IRD agents who’d arrive on Earth confused, underprepared, and about to make terrible decisions.
But keeping it classified? Criminal.
This information is too good. Too funny. Too desperately needed by anyone trying to survive Earth’s chaos.
So I published it. All of it.
The IRD is furious. Filed seventeen official complaints. Dr. Thool won’t return my calls (rude). Headquarters sent THREE separate disciplinary notices.
Best decision I ever made.
—Kira
IRD Field Documentation Specialist
Currently: Earth, 18 months in
Status: Unauthorized publisher, absolutely thriving 🛸
Read the full unauthorized manual: [link]
Yesterday’s IRD origin story: